I just woke up for the last time in this apartment. Tomorrow, I suppose I’ll be Live from New Jersey?!? Maybe a new title altogether.
So many things are on my mind and I doubt I will even begin to get them all down.
My brother mentioned yesterday that my son will never remember living here. Which I’ve thought about a lot and probably bothers me the most. He won’t remember the little park I took him to down the street. He won’t remember taking his first walk right down Metropolitan. He won’t remember the window that he looked out every day and yelled and the people pumping their gas at the gas station. I’ll never get to ask him what he’s saying to them.
He won’t remember most of the people. The ones we’re close to and keep in touch with, sure, but it’s those every day people. The bartender who let me come in and have hot tea in the middle of winter because I had to get out of the house with a new baby and it was the closest place to go. The women at the laundromat who were always glad to see him. The guys at the corner deli who had watched him grow up...and me before him.
The same guys that were so excited to meet my husband. That always remembered my parents when they came to town. The same guys who years earlier had busted open their bandages and peroxide and fixed me up after being mugged on the street. Who years before that I had stood in the night across the street watching with a group of their patrons and friends to be a visible presence to the thugs that somehow thought that these men had something to do with the horrors that had happened in our city because of their race and religion. We were ready to fight that night. I don’t think many of us had ever seen a fight before.
He’ll never meet many of the people from Mommy’s crazy youth. Maybe that’s better. I suppose you don’t want people around reminding your child of all of your mistakes. But it really hasn’t been like that. The people who have known me here, the ones I still see anyway, seem to look at me with awe. Excited and impressed that I grew up so well, with that glint in their eye remembering who I used to be. The ones who didn’t know me well, doing double takes on the street...”Is that that girl I used to know?...Nah.”
I’ve lived within a 10 minute walk of this spot for 9 years. In this exact apartment for the last 5. Am I ready to have a home and a yard for my son? A place where he can hopefully have a childhood that has the best of New York, but is a little more like mine...quieter and more green? Yes. Am I ready to leave the place that I’ve called home for almost 10 years? These tears I’m crying seem to say no. I hope they’re wrong.
There are so many things I’m looking forward to in the future. And so many things that scare me. But today the future starts whether I’m ready or not. I’ll take the leap, because there is no other choice. Sometimes I wish for just one more day, but how many one more days can you wish for? Better just to jump with my family and know that somehow we’ll all catch each other.
Signing off. Live from Brooklyn...one last time.
3 comments:
When Matt was a baby, he lived with his parents in a small apartment on Ashland in the city. While he doesn't have a lot of memories of this apartment, he has some of the fondest. And so do his parents.
He used to stand at the glass windows, watching the trains. And as evening approached, stand at the same windows and watch his mom come home by walking through the parking lot. Everytime we go even remotely NEAR the area of this apartment, a special detour is taken in order to drive past and hear the stories.
The stories have kept the memories alive. I'm sure for Carter you will do the same thing. He may not have many memories of the Brooklyn apartment, but I'm sure the ones he will have will be fond ones. Kept alive with stories from you and Joey.
We've had some of the same difficulties leaving our apartment as well. It's the place we came home to as newlyweds. It's the place we found out we were starting a family. It's the place we brought Theo HOME to.
You're not giving up on Brooklyn. You're simply moving on to start a new chapter for Carter. And to let some other young adult create their life just as you've created yours there. They will create their own memories as you have had yours.
Make sure you pack up the memories along with those pots and pans. But leave the magic- the girl who comes after you is going to make some of those great memories of her own.
He'll have his Uncle JD to come and visit. He'll remember all these things. Blessings on the move today. Low stress. Can't wait to have the boy over for his first sleep-over with me!
It is not easy to change what you used to, but new beginnings are always exciting and beautiful. Hope you create wonderful memories in your new home.
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