Tuesday, August 11, 2009

One Year

When Carter was born, I wrote his birth story. It took the better part of 3 weeks. I had intended to keep a blog about his life.

At three months, I realized I had gotten nowhere in that endeavor. So I opened a document and titled it “Three Months”, saved it and left it there for when my thoughts were ripe. A month later, there was the same blank page staring at me.

And while I had thoughts that I wanted to say, it just seemed I didn’t have the time to put them down.

I had wanted to say how quickly it had gone as it seemed like just yesterday that he had arrived. I had wanted to say how slow it was because it seemed like he had always been a part of our lives.

There were many more thoughts that supported those two main ideas and they have since all slipped away. As with everything else in his first year that I have not recorded in writing, they will be lost forever.

I took a lot of pictures, but I’ll be hard pressed to remember what date his first smile or step was because I didn’t write it down. And that makes me sad. But it also makes me hopeful, that perhaps I was living the moment instead of chronicling it.

This first year has been full of joy and full of hardship.

No one tells you how hard it is. Oh, they say, “It’s hard.” But no one ever tells you that you’re going to lose friends. No one tells you that even once your child starts sleeping, you’ll still be too exhausted to read a book. No one tells you that you will probably resent your child on occasion because you can’t do what you’d like. No one tells you that resenting your child for a moment will make you feel incredible guilt, because what did he ever do to be resented? No one tells you that your body won’t be fully recovered, even after all this time. Sure, there are the jokes about stretch marks and saggy breasts, but no one talks about the pains that won’t go away and the endless drain.

I don’t know if anyone possibly could.

No one tells you how joyful it is. I mean, they tell you it is wonderful and not to forget this special time. But no one tells you that one smile can change your whole day. No one tells you about the excitement when he starts holding you back when you hold on to him. The lift when he waves as you walk through the door. The calm in comforting him because you know that you are there to heal his pain. No one tells you that someone needing you is what you always needed.

I don’t know if anyone possibly could. Even harder I think to describe one’s joy than one’s sorrows sometimes. Not sure if that makes me a pessimist, or if that’s just part of the human condition.

My mom was mentioning a memory yesterday that I had forgotten from only 3 years ago. I thought about memory and how some things are so dear in one person’s mind while the other person involved may not recall them at all. I had a different memory of the same week that my mother had forgotten. Both good ones, both our own even though we lived them together.

And I realized, that no matter what happens, all these memories of this year with Carter will be mine alone. My husband will have different ones, maybe a few of the same.

Carter won’t remember it at all. Even if he could, would he remember it as I have?

I hope he wouldn’t remember my near breakdowns. The fear of seeing everything for the first time. And mistakes I may have made.

I would hope he would remember it as a time where he got to know his mother for the first time and they helped each other grow. A time where he learned a lot of things. A time that was sometimes scary but always safe because we were there for him.

Happy 1st Birthday Carter. We love you very much.